Desperate for something to write about today, I Googled my name, hoping beyond hope that perhaps my doppelganger Voodoo Vixen Alice Bradley (link NSFW) was up to something more exciting than I. What I found is so much more puzzling—the following New York Times article, dated September 2nd, 1903. It reads, in part:
HER MOTHER NOT ESTRANGED.
Alice Bradley's Parent Supports Her in Suit Brought by Mrs. Quintard.
STAMFORD, Conn., Sept. 2. –Homer S. Cummings, counsel for Alice Bradley, whose circus elephant was attached yesterday, denied to-day the reports that have been published to the effect that there was an estrangement between Miss Bradley and her mother. He said such reports were utterly untrue, and that Mrs. A. H. Scofield, who is Miss Bradley's mother, had stood by her daughter through all the difficulties Alice had met with…
Okay, can we back up, New York Times? What's this you say about a circus elephant? Is this a turn of phrase used in the early 20th century? "They really attached her circus elephant, if you can discern my meaning, sir"? Like that? I'm struggling to understand, New York Times. I wish you would footnote your archives.
Further research (done hurriedly, as the midnight hour approacheth) found another NYT article, this one titled ALICE BRADLEY GARNISHEED. Apparently Alice Bradley was sued for $50,000 for alienating one Charles E. Quintard's affections. Is this Mrs. Quintard's husband? Son? No one will say. Adding insult to injury, there was no mention of the circus elephant in this one.
In conclusion, why don't people these days have names like Homer S. Cummings? This is a failing of ours that I believe warrants further discussion. Finally, what's up with not hyphenating "today" any more? I think we should bring it back. I am bringing it back to-day! Who's with me?