Advil, please.

If you've been wondering how to create the most ear-splitting whine you can imagine, your first step should be to keep a five-year-old up well past his bedtime. The next morning, you'll want to kick things off with a Super Fun Bagel Time with Friends. Then have the friends leave far too quickly for his liking. Now that he's wound up and packed full of carbs, there's nothing to do. His parents are looking forward to doing something dumb like sitting and reading. The seconds and minutes tick-tock away. None of his toys hold any of their former appeal. His Legos mock him with their inability to connect themselves. His books will turn stupid. His stupid parents decide they're going to rake, of all stupid things.

He's already far more sleep-deprived than usual, but don't count on him napping, because napping is a baby activity for babies. After a bout of whining—which is just a rehearsal for later—he'lll manage to get out for a bit, running around the front yard, trading insults with the guy next door using combinations of the words "poopy," "diaper," and "butt." But then it gets dark, and he has to go back inside, where there's still nothing to do. He's seen that television show. Don't try to make him laugh because he hates laughing. And now his favorite Lego guys have disappeared and no he doesn't want to look for them. He needs dinner and no one will play with him and his Lego guys! Where did you put them?

There's only one thing left to do in a situation like this, and that's whine. Whine as loud as he can! Whine until his parents beg for mercy! It starts as a whimper but it will build, it will keep on building, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. If you're wondering what your dog is doing while you are enduring the Worst Whine Ever, he's teaching himself how to open the front door so he can take off. Just a little more fiddling with this shiny ball-thing and the Magical Portal will open and then he's off! Off into the woods! Waaaaiioooooouuuuu!

Now you know. And you've lost your hearing and your dog is gone. You're welcome.