Hey, kids! It's Alice's Tips for Living!

Let’s say your doctor somehow tricks you into scheduling a physical. He asks you when the last time your physical was, and because you're me, you say, "Uh, high school?" And then he recommends that you schedule one, pronto. He doesn't think it's so funny when you say, "But I get those, what do you call them, vagina physicals! Isn't that enough?" Actually he does think that's kind of funny. You like your doctor. But he walks you to the receptionist and asks her to schedule your physical, because he knows you'll run away otherwise. Dick.

Let's jump ahead to the physical, because this post is sort of dragging, already. Okay, so during the physical you mention to Dr. Charming that you can't actually, how do you put this, hear, and he looks into your ears and explains that the reason you can't hear is because you've apparently melted several candles and pumped their molten remains into your canals. In other words, there's a lot of wax. Now your readers are grossed out that they know this about you, but then, you've already discussed your peeing problems in great detail, so what the hell.

So your doctor begins to root around inside your ears--way deep inside, probably into the brainpan--with an instrument. From the way it feels, you're guessing it's an ice pick or a crowbar. And then he says something like "whoops."

"Whoops?" you say.

"The skin sort of pulled a little bit, and there's some oozing," says the doctor. "Let me just clean that up for you."

By "oozing," he means "crazy bleeding," which you can see very clearly from the numerous cotton swabs inserted into your ear and then removed when they've become saturated. Your doctor seems mildly horrified. There are many q-tips. He is apologizing. A lot. You're too busy worrying about that tetanus shot he mentioned to care very much. You fool!

After the shots (ow) and the various other ridiculous procedures you're put through, the doctor mentions that he's going to prescribe an antibiotic for your ear. "It's probably not necessary, but do it anyway," he says. "And don't try to clean out your ears, or, you know, go in there with anything. You really don't want that to get infected."

So now that all this has occurred--TO YOU--here are my handy tips!

DO NOT: wonder, the next day, if there's a big ol' scab inside your ear.

DO NOT: decide it's okay to get in there and find out. That is both disgusting and unclean.

DO: Get that prescription filled.

DO NOT: think that a little throbbing and itching is probably just "healing."

DO NOT: wait for the pain to escalate out of control before fishing the wadded-up prescription out of the bottom of your purse.

DO: thank your husband for running out to the 24-hour pharmacy for you as you claw at your ear, weeping.

I hope that I have helped you, in some small way.