Melissa, Chris, and Susan arrived this afternoon and before I could even say hello they were emptying my cupboards, drinking my liquor, and slapping around my dog. I begged them to stop, but Chris said, and I quote, "I've got seven kids; do you really think your whining has any effect on me?" Then she gave me a roundhouse to the kidneys and everything went black. I had no idea she was so mean. Eventually Chris and Susan left, but not before Susan lurched upstairs, claiming to need to use my bathroom, and then came back down to announce that she hadn't quite made it. It was pretty traumatic, is all I have to say.
Now Melissa's upstairs napping and before she went up there she grabbed me by the collar and growled that if anything woke her up, there would be hell to pay. I'm so scared.
As for things not going on in my imagination, here's my Wonderland column for this week.