So here’s the podcast episode I wrote about (albeit cryptically) in last week’s post. We really get into it about a half hour in, but the whole episode is worth listening to. Paul Gilmartin was such a fantastic guest. And despite the intensity of the conversation, there were many laughs. Which was surprising to discover because I honestly couldn’t remember anything we discussed.
I’d pretend that telling my story to the world was a huge relief but mostly, right now, I feel like a big sloppy pile of garbage. Nothing like digging up some long-buried trauma to help you remember how much long-buried trauma was buried for a reason, i.e. it hurts. Am I having second thoughts about telling everyone? You bet your sweet patoot I am. I mean, hey, what’s a few dreams? I could have handled the dreams! Keep the secrets tamped down until it erupts into some kind of breakdown! No, listen, that was a solid plan!
Because I hadn’t shared this story with my family, I had to go and do that before the episode aired, and that felt pretty terrible. In addition to feeling bad about my own story I got to make my loved ones feel bad.
Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s not my fault. Etc.
Since the podcast went up late last night I’ve already heard from people who have been so supportive and nice and even claimed that my story helped them, which I know they’re just lying about to make me feel better but how nice is that? Thank you, nice lying people.
If you listen to it and no longer like me I will absolutely understand. This is how bad I’m feeling about myself. I’m not even joking! It’s probably a good thing I’m spending all our money on therapy.