Anxiety: even less fun than you'd think

[Psst: Before we begin this little play, I wanted to tell you that I now have a weekly newsletter! Sign up here. That is all.] 

 

Looking over list of tasks for the day, Alice hears a disembodied voice*. 

?: Ha ha, you’re not going to accomplish any of it. Again. 

Me: Who said that? 

?: Good morning. I am The Nameless, Formless Dread! 

Me: I need to cut down on my coffee.  

 

While working

Me: Huh. Did I eat something weird? 

NFD: Hello. I am the Nameless, Formless Dread. 

Me: Jesus—get off me! I’m trying to work. 

NFD: I will help. That thing you’re doing is bad. 

Me: How is this a help? 

NFD: How about this? That thing you’re doing is very bad. 

Me: Please unhook yourself from my abdomen. 

NFD: But it’s so soft here. (whispers) Too soft. 

 

After walking past group of neighbors who don’t seem to notice when Alice smiles hello

NFD: Nameless, Formless Dread, here! Ouch. That was awkward. Boy do they not like you. 

Me: That’s ridiculous. Why would they dislike me? 

NFD: (Shrugs) They have very good reasons that they’ve all agreed on but you’ll never know what those are. 

 

When the phone rings

NFD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH DON’T ANSWER IT HIDE HIDE THE NAMELESS FORMLESS DREAD SAYS HIDE 

Me: What the hell? 

NFD: Someone is dead! Or mad at you! 

Me (looking at number): It’s a telemarketer. 

NFD: Why don’t your friends call? Oh, because you’re… never mind. 

 

And then later

Me: (closing laptop) 

NFD: Hey there, Nameless/Formless Dread, blah blah, hello, are you getting up? Where are you going? 

Me: I have a thing I’m supposed to go to. 

NFD: No way. Do you know how many things could happen to you out there? And why are you wearing that? Look, I brought kettle corn! 

Me: This kettle corn is stale. 

NFD: That's an early warning sign of dementia, you know. Thinking, uh, things are stale. I haven't thought this through yet. But don't worry, I will.  

 

In bed

NFD (clambering atop my head): Oh no, oh no! You forgot! YOU FORGOT! 

Me: What? WHAT? 

NFD: … I can’t remember. Huh. Well, at least now you have all night to figure it out. 

 

*(Don't worry, not really.)