A startlingly accurate account of what's going on in my head right now


Brain: Did you know? Depressed people have shorter life spans.
Me: Oh, for the love of--cite your studies!
Brain: Oh, but there have been so many. Depression increases the risk of heart disease, cancer, strokes… isn't this a tremendous bummer? Let's think about your tragically abbreviated life for a while. Aw. You need another tissue?
Me: You are being such a prick right now, it's not even funny.
Brain: You know what else isn't funny?  Congestive heart failure. Sad face. Guess you won't see your grandkids.
Me: You realize that you are me, right? You're just messing with yourself.
Brain: I just think you should think about how you're being a terrible parent NOW, while you're still alive.
Me: Wait, what? What does that have to do with--
Brain: Your terrible parenting which will be the only legacy you leave in your short, sad life. Oh, wait, I forgot--you co-wrote a fake parenting book. Yeah, I'm sure that'll be one for the ages.
Me: But…but Kirkus Reviews liked it.
Brain: Sure. Kirkus liked it, which means it'll never end up in the remainder bin. Nope. You're like Virgil or whomever.
Me: Oh, that's it. You know what? BOXER ON A TRAMPOLINE, THAT'S WHAT. Blammo!
Brain: OH MY GOD THAT DOG IS ADORABLE--I mean, ahem, that dog is probably dead now?
Me: Nope. Not working. That dog cheered me up, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Brain: The dangers of trampolines? The effects of trampolines on depression? Uh?
Me: Can't hear you over all the joyous barking.
Brain: I bet that dog's dead. I'm going to go find out.
Me: Meantime, I'm just going to go ahead and get a load of a disapproving rabbit.


Brain: DAMN YOU.
Me: Just enjoy the rabbit, why don't you?
Brain: Cinnamon does love his carrot top.
Me: There you go.
Brain: You've won this round, Bradley. You've won this round. But as soon as we're done with this, I'm going to find some studies about…something. See if I don't.
Me: Shhh, now.