Back up your computers, and beware of eggs, bowls, toothpaste, and life

I am writing this to you from my husband's computer, because mine is dead. My computer is dead because Scott spilled a glass of seltzer all over the keyboard. Don't do this. It won't end well.

I barely noticed last night while Scott was apologizing and cursing and shaking my laptop upside down because I was too busy attending to my son, who had sprayed toothpaste in his eye. Toothpaste in the eye, it turns out, is surprisingly painful. How did it get into his eye? What device did he use to spray it? Never mind that. I didn't ask. It didn't seem important.

This was a different eye from the one he had injured earlier, when he performed a dramatic hair-flip and slammed his eye socket into the bowl he was eating from. I did ask about that. We were eating dinner and all of a sudden his dinner was on his lap and he was screaming. I had made the mistake of turning away for .5 seconds, and when I turned back I assumed a poltergeist had flung his meal at him. Fortunately I asked him what happened before calling an exorcist. Now he has an angry red lump over his eye, and I can't wait for his teacher to ask him what happened so he can explain that somehow he struck himself in the face with a bowl.

This incident occurred only a few hours after I had eaten eggs for lunch, which it turns out I can never do anymore--eat eggs, that is--because the last few times I have tried I have become distinctly unwell. (Another reason I wasn't looking at Henry when the bowl attacked him: I was too busy staring at my sad little bowl of yogurt, the only thing I could face after EggGate.) While I was whining on the phone to Scott about getting sick, I slammed my knee against the table, thought I dislocated my kneecap, warbled incoherently, and hung up on him so I could black out in peace. Sadly I remained conscious, but happily my kneecap was in its rightful place, so everything worked out.

And now I am about to go to the gym. Which, given my recent history, seems like a terrible idea.