Bear with me.

This is what happens when you're posting every day, and you're not doing much of anything but writing and eating, and you're using an old laptop containing ancient documents you haven't seen in years: you find shit, and you think, what the hell, I'm posting it. Like the following, which I probably wrote ten years ago, and I do not fully understand. I was reading Klaus Kinski's autobiography, as I recall, and was amused and unnerved by it. So I began to write a sitcom for him? Hmm. And one that's been dubbed with family-friendly language? Whatever, I'm posting it, I'M POSTING IT. I have nothing else. Without further ado:

Kinski!


Life as a teen can be hard sometimes--popularity, grades, teachers, and all-around "fitting in" are much tougher when you're trying to make it in Sunnyville Junior High.

Characters:

Jose: Dark-skinned and long-lashed, Jose is poised on the brink of becoming a "ladies' man." He is loyal to his simple peasant family.

Min: Min's a "brain" who can't wait to rebel in Junior High. Smart, shy, and Asian, she is a girl poised on the brink of womanhood.

Amber: Blond and blue-eyed, Amber's family recently moved to town from Los Angeles. Despite her Californian good looks, Amber's smart and ambitious.

Klaus: A sixty-five-year-old, grotesquely handsome man with a thick German accent, Klaus is unsure of himself and his place at Sunnyville. But with his undeniable charm and colorful take on life, he's sure to make an impact.


INT. CAFETERIA--DAY

(JOSE, MIN, AMBER, and KLAUS are sitting around a TABLE, eating TWINKIES.)

Min: Junior high is great! There's no one to tell you what to eat for breakfast!

Amber: This is a terrible idea, guys--we need nutrition to feed our brains.

Klaus (petulant): My arms are covered in sores and vomit from lying crouched under a vegetable stand all night long. I craved merely a potato for my family. Perhaps some Cheez Nips. But the vegetable man knew I was there and would not leave until my rage caused my distended belly to spew forth its contents.

Jose: Yo, Klaus. That's wack.

Klaus: I will take home this pastry wrapper for my mother to lick. There are remnants of cream filling. Jose, does the way Amber engulfs the Twinkie between her swollen ruby lips not make you want to [hang out with] her?

Jose: Well--

(Klaus throws himself over the table, knocking both he and Amber to the ground. He holds down her squirming body and bites at her t-shirt. Cue laugh track.)


INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY

JOSE and MIN chat by their lockers. The principal, MR. McMURPHY, approaches.

Mr. McMurphy: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Kinski's friends.

Jose: Aw, Klaus is okay, Mr. M. You just got to know him.

Min: Yeah, you should hear his stories about Fitzcarraldo!

Mr. M.: Well, I don't know...

(Just then the locker behind them slams open and we see Klaus, panting, his shirt torn.)

Mr. M.: Mr. Kinski, what is the MEANING of this?

Klaus (choleric): It was Sheila, that libidinous whore from homeroom. Her creamy [face] is swollen as a horny monkey's testicles and her moist, hairy [hair] was peeking out from underneath her [hat] -- and I knew I had to take her. I didn't know that after I [met] her and her fierce lesbian lover, they would lock me in here. And that's more, they shaved my [legs]! The itching is intensely erotic.

(He shows them area which is blurred out to viewer. )

Mr. M.: Well, I'll give him one thing--he sure is unusual!

(They all laugh loudly except for Klaus, who glares at each of them and finally grabs Min's buttocks, pulling her into the locker with him.)

 

(Werner Herzog shows up in next episode)