I. Walking to school.
Henry: I have to be careful of my purple thumb.
Me: You have to be what of your what now?
Henry: My purple thumb. See?
Me: What, did you get magic marker on your thWHAAAAT IS THAT. Scott. Scott!
Scott: Oh, wow. Did you cut your thumb at some point, buddy?
Henry: Hmm. Yesterday at school there were these white cracks on my thumb so I put my finger in my mouth, and then the cracks went away.
Me: Oh, god, you put it in your mouth?
Henry (sighing): Yes, and then the white cracks went away.
Scott: Does it hurt?
Henry: Only when I touch it.
We head back home. Phone calls to the doctor ensue. An appointment is made.
II. At the doctor's office.
Nurse: So what happened?
Henry: Well, my thumb is all purple and swollen, see?
Nurse: Wow. Did you get a cut?
Henry: Yesterday there were these white cracks all over, but then I licked it and the white cracks went away.
Nurse: White cracks? And you … licked it?
Me: I know. I… I know.
Henry: It's okay! When I licked it, it got better! Well, it still hurt.
Doctor: What did you do to your thumb, Henry?
Henry (sighing deeply): White cracks, licked it, school, purple.
Finally, after much explanation, there is a diagnosis, and a prescription. We leave. I try to convince Henry not to ever lick his wounds or really any part of himself, especially at school, blah blah. He ignores me, preferring to list his favorite aliens from Ben-10. The End.
That play's going straight to Broadway, my friends. Mark my words.
New post on Wonderland today, about lying to your children. Like how when I told Henry that if he licked his thumb ever again, somewhere a puppy would die.