Tonight a friend of mine admitted, with some embarrassment, that he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to be feeling for when checking for testicular cancer. Instead of sensitively validating his concerns, I said “I bet if you do a Google search for ‘feel your balls,’ you’ll find many informative and educational sites that can provide guidance,” and then I laughed for a good long while, HA HA HA HA, and he chuckled, heh heh, yes, and I kept laughing, BWAAH HAA HOOORK (I coughed a little there) and then I said, “Hey—chortle, chortle, snork—I’m sure there are sites where you can find people who will come to your home and help you feel your balls, ha HA!” and then I laughed some more, and then he walked away, and what do you know, I was STILL LAUGHING! Ho!
So of course my next step was to do a Google search for 'feel your balls.' Wouldn’t you? Strangely enough, the results I found (at least on the first page) weren’t as smut-tastic as I had hoped. But what, pray tell, is this? “Shaving your balls isn’t a sign of being gay. It’s a sign of being very, very brave.” Is that what it’s a sign of? And why can’t it be both? And what does this mean, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World”? And it’s a woman’s world? Why didn’t anyone tell me this before? I have so many questions.
I had all these other things to say, but now… it all seems so pointless.
Oh, look: I just found that if you use double quotes, like I should have done in the beginning (what am I, British?), in addition to some good old-fashioned porn, you get a helpful site on how to check for testicular cancer. And, strangely enough, it’s British.
Don’t ever say I never did anything for you.