You may not know this about me, but I've bet you've guessed: I like to sleep. A lot. I like a lot of sleep. LOOK, I know we all require sleep to live and so forth, but I'm not one of those people who can get by on four or five hours a night. Or even six. Seven, I can do, but not for too long. No, I need eight or nine hours. NEED.

Okay, maybe not need. Like? Prefer. I prefer that much sleep. I desperately, desperately prefer it.

I've never been an insomnia sufferer, and if I were I probably wouldn't be able to write anything because I'd be too busy crying. Even when I was seriously depressed, I could sleep. (I can't nap, though. I hate it. I hate napping. Aren't you fascinated by these details about me? I'm a world of wonders!)

ANYWAY I'm bringing this up now because of course I can't sleep, fuck shit damn bitch and also fuck. Yes I am cursing, HENRY. (Henry doesn't like cursing. It's like living with a smaller version of my dad! Don't even get him started about taking the Lord's name in vain.) (My mom on the other hand is a real potty mouth.) (What was I talking about, again?) (Sleeping, right.) I can't fall asleep AND when I manage to fall asleep I wake up too early and this is terrible. TERRIBLE. This is the worst tragedy that has ever befallen anyone in the universe. Yes, I realize some of you people deal with insomnia all the time, but this is more serious because it's me.

I've been living (and loving!) with insomnia since I stopped taking mirtazipine, a very effective anti-depressant that had the unfortunate side effect of causing me to feel as if I were about to die.  My psychiatrist had warned me that this might happen but also said it was temporary. TEMPORARY. This was true in the beginning. I didn't sleep for a week, and quietly went insane, but then it seemed to ease up for a couple of weeks. But now, in the past two weeks, my sleep has been deteriorating to the point where I am sometimes just not sleeping at all, and other times sleeping a little here and there but waking up every hour and MAYBE I am getting three hours of sleep a night. Plus I can't nap, not even when I really, really try. I think I need to create new curse words to put in here.

So here is all I can write about, my stupid not-sleeping body. I'm also dealing with these breathtaking muscle spasms in my back and neck and arms, plus headaches that laugh at the standard painkillers, and I'm pretty sure this is all because I'm not sleeping. Nothing causes me to tense up more than being deprived of the one thing that I do very very well. Also, while I am not sleeping, I am usually staring at someone in my household who is sleeping (Scott, Henry, pets) and loathing them with every fiber of my being. And that might be causing my muscles to seize. (It's true, my beloveds! I am glaring at you while you peacefully slumber! Aw, you look so cute. Don't mind me! I'm just pinching you a little.)

Anyway, I am going to the doctor tomorrow, because I have had it with this bullshit. Goddamn it. Yes. I'm cursing again. I know.  I'm going to try to do something fun at the doctor's office, something I can write about, like maybe ask her out on a date? But what if I'm successful? Then I'll have some doctor girlfriend and Scott will be mad and oh I am tired.