First of all: Behold my banner! It was created by the lovely and talented Heather. She makes a good banner. I've heard her site is quite popular, too. I mean, I haven't read it, but that's what I hear.

(Here is where I consider inserting an emoticon to fend off the emails in which I am called a dumbass.)

It's weird to watch a show and wonder why you aren't on it. And then you show up! But only for a second. And I think they used a clip in which I was babbling off the record, when I thought, "They will never show me laughing like this, will they? Isn't it illegal to show this much gum on television?" And yet there I was, exposing my mouth parts to the world.

I realized my mistake when I was watching the show: I had tried to be funny, but apparently they wanted sincere. They were heading for Earnestville, and I was waiting for them over at Snarky Junction.

Anyway, at least I wasn't the young woman who cooed over "The Polar Express." I am glad it was someone's favorite-est movie ever, but that person should never be allowed to speak in any kind of public forum.

Ooh, you're thinking, are the grapes sour, in that basket of grapes you have there? And I'm thinking, what grapes? What basket? Are you insane? Shut up!

Honestly, watching a show and worrying that you might make an appearance is... uncomfortable. For the entire two hours of the show, I hid under a blanket, peeking out at the beginning of each segment to confirm that the talking head was not me. Meanwhile, my husband mocked me.

Me: I'm not in this one either. I must have been really terrible.

Him: God, you're right. Why am I still married to you?

Me: I don't even remember these topics! Why did they come up with new topics?

Him: That's because you were so bad that just looking at the questions from your interview made everyone cry, so they had to rewrite the entire script. Or, no, wait, I know what happened--your utter lack of charisma caused everyone on the set to die, and all copies of the questions to burst into flames. Then the building burned down. Thanks a lot.

Me: This is cute, the mock-insults. I find it amusing.

Him: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: They let Bruce Vilanch on this show. So at least I know I wasn't cut because of my looks.

Him: Oh, make no mistake--you're much worse-looking than Bruce Vilanch.

Me: Hey, wait, was that me?

Him: That was you! That was you! You looked so great!

Me: Oh my god! You totally love me.

Him: God only knows why.