Kelly and Olive

Do you remember how once, not too long ago, my family and I lived in the Brown Place? How we swam every day in a Sea of Brown? Well, when I was getting all manner of helpful comments on how to spruce up Brownland, one of my commenters recommended using Kelly and Olive—virtual decorators who’ll advise you based on the information you give them.

As I was already overwhelmed with all the different advice I had, admittedly, asked for, I thought and thought about this Kelly and Olive idea. It sounded promising. I looked at their site. I liked their site. I looked at the fee they charged for a consultation. It was reasonable. And then it occurred to me that my words might be valuable to them, so I asked—would they do a consultation in exchange for my bracingly honest feedback on Finslippy? Assuming they would tell me to go to hell, and I could move on with my life.

Courtney, one of the two designers involved (please note: no one is named Kelly OR Olive in this operation. Do not be alarmed) wrote back right away. It would be their pleasure, she said. I was thrilled. Although I’m not a reviewing kind of blogger, I thought this would fit in perfectly with my apartment-design preoccupation and would provide a valuable service to you, the reader. Plus: tips! Tips for me! I like tips.

So I filled out their questionnaire, sent them tons of pictures, told them far too much about my complex likes and dislikes, bored them to tears, and anxiously awaited their reply.

Soon afterward, my apartment building went berserk. You may remember this as well. The residents above me were beset with some kind of collective insanity, and there was much screaming and violence. As you may remember, I didn’t handle it well.

(By the way, People Who Emailed to Tell Me I Was Overreacting and Should Get Over Myself: I received a call when I was there from the Director of Special Ops, recommending that we look into a restraining order against our upstairs neighbors. This came the day after the massive raid on the guy upstairs. It was beyond the normal rowdy-apartment shenanigans. So there.)

The day after my building became a nightmare factory, Kelly and Olive sent me their in-depth report on how to spruce up the apartment. That’s right: the horrible screamy one that we were now vacating.

I felt terrible. All that work, for nothing! With great regret, I had to inform Courtney that the deal we had struck had hit an unexpected snag. We were, however, going to move with the same stuff we had already, and changes would undoubtedly be made, so I promised her I would weigh in on the report once we were in our new place and settled in. She handled it graciously.

Well! We moved later than I thought we would, and then life got hectic, and then my computer died, and just today I was going through my recovered hard-drive contents when I found the report from Kelly and Olive. The recommendations they had so graciously provided me. The ones I had mostly followed, too. Yeah. THOSE.

So it immediately occurred to me that I should take pictures today and post them, but there was another problem, that being that my home is a mess. But I swear to you, I will clean this apartment—I will clean it soon and I will show you the wonderful non-brownness of it. True, it’s a different apartment. But look, Courtney and Lauren, if you had included recommendations for casting out the demons, maybe we could have worked things out at that other place. But that wasn’t in your questionnaire! You guys need to work on that.