Looking for good

2013 was not my favorite. 2013 was the year of hiding out, of scrabbling around in my hidey-hole, gathering extra blankets to pull over my eyes, upping my anti-anxiety dosages, canceling trips, calling in sick, apologizing for no-shows. I spent most of 2013 waiting for the bad things to happen. I had a list, and I was sure some of them would come to pass; the late-night phone call from an unfamiliar number, the text ending abruptly. I had stomachaches and headaches and every time the phone rang I steeled myself. I had a bunch of scenarios I was ready for; I have an active imagination. My parents would die, my dog would die, there would be an accident, and on and on. 

But it’s never the expected thing, and Charlie was fine, and my parents weathered their storms, and the bad stuff that did occur blindsided me completely, so all my fretting was for naught. Now I’m looking back on the year and thinking of all the people I didn’t see, the trips I didn’t take. I don’t want to beat myself up overly; I know some of this is my biochemical goofiness (technical term), but some of it is nothing more than bad habits. Staying in is always easier than going out. Not doing is always easier than doing. I gave myself the freedom to not do, and maybe I needed that, but no more.

No more waiting for the bad things in 2014. In 2014, I will look for the good. This is my only New Year’s resolution. Whatever happens this year, I’m going to enjoy it as much as I goddamn can.

Happy new year, everyone. Let’s make this one count.