Plus it sounds like the Globetrotters are really phoning it in these days

My son's school held an assembly about bullying the other day, and this, from what I could cobble together during our conversation, is how it went. Needless to say, I am concerned. What kind of school am I sending him to?! 


In the classroom.

Teacher [rousing himself from his desk nap]: Time for an assembly about bullying. Everyone line up 50 times and I'll decide which was the best one and make you do that one. I only pretend to be nice when grown-ups are around.
Teacher [to himself]: Henry was the only one who did it right, if I'm being honest with myself, but I will never tell him that.

In the auditorium.

Principal: Look, here's some guy who will tell you not to bully. He is from Harlem. He is a Harlem Globe Something.
Guy [holding basketball, being tall] Don't bully. I don't know why, but don't. By the way, I play basketball. I am very very very famous.
[He dribbles the ball across the stage for like an hour while the audience sits in silence.]
Guy: I'm going to ask someone to come up here with me. You.
Girl in audience: Me?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Okay.
Guy: Here's how to dribble a ball. [Watches her for a few awkward minutes.] No, you don't do it right. isn't that right, everyone? Don't bully.
Girl: Oh. [Gets off stage.]
Guy: If you bully me, I will bounce my basketball on you. Off of you? Whatever. I am still famous. Don't bully, the end. [He wanders off.]
Principal: That was the most fun assembly we will ever have. Okay you can leave now. Go.

Teacher [to his class]: Now we'll go back to the classroom and sit with our hands folded until it's time to leave. Your parents think we are teaching you! P.S. Your homework today will be extra long and it will include things I never explained.