Remember, dads: Drinks go in the face-hole.

I saw this commercial last night:

A man wakes up in the middle of the night. He hears a noise. It’s coming from his son’s room. He checks on his son. His son is coughing.

The man goes online. He reads a page entitled “Coughing.” Next, we see him give his son a glass of water. His wife looks on in loving approval.

The voiceover says something about Optimum Online having the information you need, blah blah, I can’t remember that part.

So. Let’s take a closer look at what went on in this particular commercial, shall we? Come on!

A father—let’s call him Kevin!—wakes up in the middle of the night. Noise, possibly coming from the boy’s room. Not a good sound. Kevin looks at his wife. She’s not silencing the noise. She seems to be sleeping. He nudges her a little. Nothing. Okay, so he waits for a moment. The noise only gets louder. The wife is sleeping, still not taking care of things. Fine, fine, he’ll get up. No one says Kevin can’t take care of his own. The noise is almost definitely coming from the boy’s room. Logic dictates that he should enter the boy’s room, see what’s up. He pokes his head in. Yep, here it is. He looks at the boy, whose shoulders appear to lurch forward with each unpleasant noise.

He has no idea what could be going on.

Shaking his head, he leaves the boy’s room, and heads downstairs. There are a whole bunch of books on child care, but that’s the wife’s job, he doesn’t even know where they are. Anyway he never could figure out the, what do you call it, "Table of Contents." But he does like the computer, with its pretty pictures. Luckily, this man has Optimum Online, so he goes on the “World Wide Web,” which he heard can provide information and so forth. So, okay, computer it is. He types in “hacking noise.” Here we go. “Coughing.”

Huh! Who knew? Says it comes from the lungs! Which are in the body!

There’s a whole lot of stuff here, too much to read. Something about bronchi-whatsis and pulmo-whoozit. He’s getting awfully sleepy. Oh, wait, here’s the section for Dads. Whew! “Dads: If your child is making a noise we call “coughing,” call your wife. If you want to do a little something yourself, you can give your child a glass of water!”

Well, there you go! He heads straight to the kitchen, gets a glass, breaks it. Crap. She’ll clean it up tomorrow. Gets another one, plastic this time. Drops it. Doesn’t break. He smiles. Nothing he can’t figure out. Fills it with water, heads to the kid’s room. “Here, son,” Kevin says. “I made you a glass of water.” Son drinks a little, says, “Thanks, Dad.” Wait, there’s the wife, behind him! Took her long enough. “I made him a glass of water,” he says to her. “You sure did,” she says, beaming. “You sure did.”

Now that I think about it, this is a reasonable scenario. Carry on.