Semi-fictional phone conversation with new financial planner

Financial planner: … And that's a brief summary of my services. Do you have any questions?
Me: I know so little about money things, I wouldn't know where to begin.
FP: (laughs)
Me: No, seriously. Money are me scary. You see? Even my syntax falls apart.
FP: Your feelings are common, and--
Me: How do money I get and not lose? Help can you me? Where?
FP: (clearing throat) Have you begun saving for retirement?
Me: Sort of. Not since 2002. I have, I don't know, ten 401Ks? Thirteen? I can't remember where they are. Sometimes I put the statements in a shoe box. The one my cat sleeps in.
FP: Ah.
Me: I tried to save some money in one of those ING accounts but then I spent it all on boots.
FP: Well, first thing--
Me: They were nice boots. They were an INVESTMENT. Say, "investment," that's a money talk!
FP: Okay! First thing is, let's work out a budget.
Me: Uh oh. This talk of "budget" makes me anxious. I feel like I'm floating and I'm going to float up into space and never come back. Could you come over with a blanket and wrap me in the blanket and make sure I'm held down and safe until gravity regains its hold?
FP: It's totally normal to feel--
FP: There, there.

Our conversation went like this for about a half hour. I can't believe I found someone so nice who's willing to work with me despite my obvious lack of knowledge/sanity. Henry might get to attend college after all!