To Zoe, with love

I am emerging from my bed-cave, where I've been hacking and wheezing for the past couple of days, to share the following correspondence with you.

I receive many emails from publicity folks looking to pitch me ideas, especially for my now-defunct Redbook column. Usually I just tell them that I don't cover whatever it is they're pitching, and they're very nice, and I'm nice back, and then we hug. I don't know why I replied like this. I blame Jenny. Most of my poor behavior stems from her dangerous influence.

From: Zoe XXXXX 
To: Alice Bradley

Dear Ms. Bradley,
I wanted to confirm you still covered domestic lifestyle, sexuality, and women’s interest as a contributing editor and columnist of “The Imperfectionist Column” for Redbook. If so, is it best to pitch you press materials at this e-mail address? Do you also have a direct line or extension where you may be reached? I have (XXX) XXX-XXXX on file.
Please advise and many thanks,

From: Alice Bradley
Dear Ms. XXXXX,

Sadly, I no longer write "The Imperfectionist Column" for Redbook. I have taken my show on the road, as it were. My work these days exclusively covers water buffalo, homeopathic exorcism, and true-life shaving accidents.

I do not know what that phone number is. It's not mine, as I am afraid of phones.

Yours in endurance,
Alice Bradley

From: Zoe XXXXX
To: Alice Bradley

Dear Ms. Bradley,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. Do you contribute to other publications now that you no longer contribute to Redbook?
Many thanks and I look forward to hearing from you once again,
Dear Zoe,

I contribute to too many publications to list. As you might imagine, the topics of water buffalo etc. are quite, quite popular. Were I to list all of these publications, my hands would fall off, rending my professional life effectively dead. I am sure you don't wish that fate on me--on anyone, really.

I can, however, send you copies of some of these magazines. Where should I mail them? I'd prefer your home address, as then I can come visit whenever I like.


I waited for a good, long while, but received no reply. I guess Zoe had better things to do than humor me, like her JOB.

And now--back to my sheet-grotto!