We have a winner


Many of you suspected that I wouldn't read every one of those comments, but you are so wrong. You could not be wronger. That was fantastic. I felt like George Bailey at the end of It's a Wonderful Life. Except instead of putting money on the table, you were introducing yourselves. Which is even better than money. I mean, to an extent. Listen, if I were about to go to jail because you weren't pitching in a dollar or two while you waved and told me your life story, I might get annoyed. But thankfully that's not the case. I'm not going to jail! You can all breathe easy.

Reading your comments has been both incredibly cheering and enlightening. First of all, I would invite any of you to my home. Not one of you seemed like a creepy weirdo, which I can only assume means that the creepy weirdos are all too busy lurking to comment. Those of you who piped up are all charming and funny and great. Also, a surprising number of you are in Europe. (I even received one comment in French! Apparently this commenter believes I speak French! Fascinating.) This makes me feel incredibly sophisticated and like my humor is not as crudely American as I believed. Or maybe you come here to laugh at the crude American. Don't tell me which it is. I'm happy either way.

I have also learned a lot about your tastes in cheese. Many of you enjoy cheddar. Muenster and brie were closely tied for second place, and there was much talk of manchego.  I am terribly disappointed that none of you mentioned aged gouda. And don't give me your regular-gouda or smoked-gouda bullcrap--aged gouda is where it's at. Find some today!

Aged gouda!

Let's get to the Dirty Secret giveaway, shall we?

I used random.org to generate a number between 1 and 913, which was the number of comments I had as of 10:30 a.m. today, and it gave me this:

And Lucky Number 55 is...Marilyn!

Look how funny she is. Come ON. I want to invite her over right now. Bring some bunnies, Marilyn. My cat is way too overweight and sluggish to even mildly disable a bunny.

Marilyn, I am emailing you right now. Well, not now. Right after I finish this. I might need a minute to get a glass of water. I'm thirsty. Give me a minute!

Thanks again, everyone!