We need to talk.

Me: Sit down, please.
Izzy: What?

big boned
Me: Do I have to say it?
Izzy: If this is about my weight…
Me: It is.
Izzy: … let me finish. LET ME GODDAMN FINISH. I was going to say, if this is about my weight, I will murder you in your sleep.
Me: …
Izzy: HA! Just kidding! I already WOULD murder you in your sleep, except I haven't figured out how. Yet.
Me: That's reassuring. Look, cat, you… how can I put this?
Izzy: I'm…
Me: You're…

Izzy: Big boned?
Me: Enormous. Grotesque. Overly, overly large.
Izzy: I'm sure I don't know what you mean. Are you referring to my frame?
Me: You do not have a big frame. You have a tiny head and weensy kitten paws. Your BUILD has nothing to do with it.
Izzy: Then it's all hair.
Me: I didn't know that that hair could weigh that much.
Izzy: Well, I mean, some of it is brains and guts and whatever.
Me: You can't clean yourself. Especially in the hindquarters. This is sad, cat.
Izzy: Now you're embarrassing me.
Me: I'm sorry, but it's true. Your butt is… why are you lying on my cell phone?

Using my phone
Izzy: It's warm. Shut up. Anyway, whose fault is it that I'm so big? Bastet didn't make me like this!
Me: Ba-who now?
Izzy: The Cat Goddess. Daughter of the Sun-God. Protector of Us All. Obviously.
Me: ANYWAY, listen, we need to put you on a diet.
Izzy: Then get ready for THIS. Feel my paw batting at you in protest!
Me: Felt.
Izzy: This is all I ask.
Me: Well, this was a nice talk.
Izzy: Still planning to murder you! Some day! Paws crossed!