The Wii Fit is my passive-aggressive friend who has cool games but won't let me at them until it cheerfully bullies me into submission. A friend who only allows you one response: pressing the A button. This is a terrible friend. And yet I can't stop coming back to it.
Wii Fit: Hello, Alice! Haven't seen you here in a while! [A]
Alice: I've been busy. Give a girl a break.
Wii Fit: ….
Wii Fit: Scott was here just yesterday! He sure is getting in shape, wouldn't you say? [A]
Alice: Can we just get on with this?
Wii Fit: …
Alice: Sigh. [A]
Wii Fit: I see the deadline for your goal has past! Did you reach your goal? [A]
Alice: You know the answer to that, you bastard.
Wii Fit: …
Wii Fit: Oooh, I see you didn't reach your goal. You wanted to lose 5 pounds and you only lost 0 pounds. You've failed at this just like you've failed at so much else, haven't you, Alice?
Alice: [pressing A while staring at shoes]
Wii Fit: Maybe you need to set smaller, more manageable goals. Small goals can be encouraging for people like you!
Alice: Sniff. [A]
Wii Fit: I noticed that the last time I asked you why you weren't losing weight, you chose the option, "I don't know." Maybe you need to think a little harder about your choices, Alice!
Alice: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.
Wii Fit: …
Alice: [A], DAMN IT, [A]!
Wii Fit: Maybe you should come here every day and think about what you're not doing right, and how you can start doing those things right. That's all I ask. Is that too much? Alice? Can you do that?
Alice: A...[lying across the Wii Fit balance board.]
Wii Fit: I noticed that your tears are wetting my balance board! Crying out all that water weight might help some, but another way to lose excess pounds is to stop cramming your maw with processed garbage! Which I saw you doing the other day when I secretly turned myself back on long after you thought it was safe! Those were too many chips for one mouth! That's a Wii Fit Tip!
Wii Fit: Okay, now it's time to have fun! You can stand up now! I'll let you do some Super Hula! And if you come tomorrow maybe I'll be a little nicer! You wait another day, though, and I don't know how I'll be. You tell Scott that, too.